Let's see if my tired brain can remember everything. On the good, Drew's feet are showing definite signs of improvement, and I look forward to the day when I feel energetic enough when bandaging her wounds to take new pictures. There's still a looooooooooong way to go, but we are definitely seeing improvement. The swelling has gone down with both feet, and the hole on the one that doesn't need to be lanced is growing smaller again.
On the bad: The VA decided she makes too much to even qualify for travel pay now, so we won't get paid for the last three trips to Montgomery, or any other trips we have to make with them. They are paying for her IV treatments, but we're still out the nearly $100 extra we had to pay in gas last week for her to keep going to Evergreen. They are finally going to be swishing her treatments to Monroeville, so it'll be closer to her, but because the doctor we're now using found different bacteria in the wound than what that hospital found (he actually SAID their results were screwed up), they're swishing the medicines on her. She will also absolutely have to take that second dose twelve hours later, because her body is unleashing the meds it can't handle, which means although she's been taking it all in the treatments, she's not keeping it all in her system and it is thereby not doing her as much good as it should be and needs to be. So for the next six weeks, my poor baby is looking at having to go get 2 hours worth of IV treatments after she gets off work and having to go back to town 2 hours+ early to get the second treatment. But the important thing here, of course, is that she does get well. I just pray and hope that we continue to see improvement since they're changing the meds; I'm more than a little worried about that.
And the way they approached us about having to change the meds was so very NOT good at all and sent me on another spiral yesterday. But not to the point I was trying to do myself again. Though I was suicidal, I was't acting on it. I just wanted death. There are times when I am so bloody ready to give up. I'm not afraid at all of dying; I look forward to it. The thought hit me the other day that I and another friend, and a third who I'm now thinking of, are all pretty much living to die. That's not the way it should be, I know, but it is the way we are.
But that doesn't mean that we're going to hurry death no matter how much we would like to. Laura, you were totally right when you reminded me that if we kill ourselves, we don't get to go to Heaven and be with everyone and that's one of the very top reasons why I'm so ready to go and leave this world of suffering behind. And yet Drew was trying to tell me today that there are still problems in Heaven. No, Heaven is Heaven, not Hell. It is the end of all the problems. It is our paradise that our Heavenly Father has made for us, and if we're lucky not only do we get to go there but we get to be with all of our loved ones again. milly_gal, maybe we'll get to share that cup there. I hope so. Regardless, I want you and Laura both to know that I am in no way and have not been at all mad at y'all for being so angry at me when you first read my post. But like I keep saying too, I will NOT be one of those friends who just vanishes into thin air. I won't do that to y'all, and since Drew doesn't know how to do LJ, and is rather inadequate when it comes to computers, the only other choice is waiting for my friends here to get up with Laura so she can come get the babies when it happens.
But again, that is WHEN it happens. I'm not trying to hurry it up -- at least not right now. We are all know suicide, depression, bi polar -- It's all sicknesses, and unfortunately there's no real permanent cures out there. So yes, there will probably be other episodes, but know, too, that this last one was the worst I've had in a very long time.
And know also I have a whole list of numbers and loved ones to call and talk to if I am at all clear enough to reach out and talk to some one -- and if I am, I most certainly will. Milly, if you like, I would definitely add you to that list. I know your hours are crazy. Mine are too. (After all, how many people my age go to bed before eight o'clock at night and rise long before the chickens?) But who knows? Because they're so crazy they might just mesh together well enough that we can talk one day.
My operation is swiftly coming up. I still don't know what time it will be, but I will let y'all know as soon as I can once I do know. I do know it will be this coming Tuesday. I spent a few days over this past week being freaked out about it, but I'm kind of settled into the idea now. My biggest worry at this point is not the actual operation itself or dying but if something goes wrong and yet leaves me alive and somehow messed up.
I know; I know. It's supposed to be simple. But I have a RL friend who knows a little boy, or rather knew, who didn't make it through having his tonsils taking out, and I have a friend here (who several of us know) whose daughter (I believe it was) just recently lost her furbaby because she took her to be bloody spaed! Such simple operations aren't supposed to cost lives, but sometimes they do.
I am slowly beginning to write again. It actually felt great to crack out 650 words, which is usually an extremely low number for me, this past Friday, and the next two days I got about 2500 words each. Nothing Tuesday (:(), but I did get about 2k today waiting for Drew at the doctor's and then riding with her to Monroeville to go get this week's groceries.
And then I am very sad and disappointed in myself to admit that the kids opened up a hole in the house -- they literally scratched one out through a weak spot in the floor behind the old freezer which we still haven't gotten out yet -- and we didn't catch it in time. We got Maxine back, but my baby, Nikki, and Aussie both got out. Aussie has not been seen at all. Nikki has been seen once and ran from me like Hell. :( I'm afraid we've lost them both. And I knew about the bloody hole because I kept finding Harley out when she was supposed to be in -- I was just too tired to figure out where it was. That's my biggest let down of the week.
Hope y'all are all doing better and know that I love each and every one of you!!! Totally planning on getting caught up on those E-mails next week when I'm out recovering! HUGS to one and all!!
And on another note, does anyone reading this have any skill with LJ layouts?