Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Challenge/Prompt: nekid_spike: Randy
Word Count: 1,608
Date Written: 16 January 2018
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Whedon, not the author, and are used without permission.
“Do you ever wish,” he asks with his arms around her early one morning as they try to unwind after the night’s heroics, “that I was Randy?”
Buffy looks up at him instantly, surprise flashing over her beautiful face. “What?!” she asks while reminding herself that this is Spike, after all, and he often doesn’t quite get his wording right. He surely can’t be asking what she thinks he’s asking!
“Back during that spell,” he explains, feeling the tenseness go out of her. “When I thought I was that naive, little schoolboy set to marry you and make all your dreams come true.”
“Our dreams,” she murmurs, “I would hope.”
“Marrying you would be my dream come true.”
She turns and straddles his hips, sitting on top of him so that she can see his face and, more importantly, his eyes. She searches them as she asks quietly, “Was that a proposal?”
“You’re missing the point, Slayer.” He smirks. “And if I ever think you’ll say ‘yes’, I won’t miss my chance to propose, and you’ll bloody well know when I’m doing it.”
She laughs, smiling. “I bet I will!” she exclaims though she’s careful not to speak the word that seemed to blossom inside of her as he was speaking. She’s not ready to get married, not with the life she leads! She sees how the Demons, Vampires, and all the assorted minions of Hell act when she makes the mistake of trying to celebrate a birthday; she can just imagine what they’d do at a wedding!
“You still haven’t answered my question, Buffy,” Spike comments softly, reaching up and caressing her face. His palm feels warm and comforting against her cheek, and she presses into his touch.
“I’m still not understanding the question,” she admits, looking down at him and continuing to watch those beautiful, deep eyes. For the first time tonight -- or is it day already? she wonders -- she realizes he looks troubled. “Spike, what’s wrong?”
“Answer,” he pleads gently, running his thumb over her lips, “the question, Buffy. Please.”
“Explain the question,” she says, staring at him.
He sighs. She bloody well understands the question! He doesn’t know why she’s being so irritating unless . . . unless she doesn’t want to give him her truthful answer? The thought of that possibility stabs the heart he’s so often claimed not to have, but now that the question’s hanging between them, he’s definitely got to know! “Do you ever wish . . . that I was someone different? Someone better?”
“Better how? Spike, you’re one of the best men I’ve ever known! I mean, yeah, sure, you’re a Vampire, and I know you’ve got a lot of bad stuff in your past, but I also know you’re trying your best to be a better man and to atone for everything you did before! And you’re doing a pretty damn good job of it! You don’t have to fight the fights I fight! You don’t have to risk your life to save the world, but you’re always right there with me!”
He presses his lips together to keep from silencing the denial that urges inside of him, the need to cry out that she also doesn’t have to fight these battles. So what if she was born the Slayer? That doesn’t mean she has to actually fulfill the role and spend the rest of her life fighting these countless battles and endless enemies who will one night kill her! It doesn’t mean he has to lose her one of these times --
He chokes down the words though. He knows that’s one argument he could never, ever win. Buffy made a decision long ago to be the person she was called to be, and he has to support her in that. If he’s ever to win her love, ever deserve to have her at his side and in his arms, not to mention in his bed, he’s got to accept who she is, and a large part of that, he learned long ago, is accepting that she is, and will be until her final, dying breath that he can only pray is many, many years from tonight, the Slayer.
“You don’t ever wish I was someone more naive, more innocent, someone . . . more like you and your friends?”
“Spike, I don’t care how old you are!”
“Not that, Buffy. You know that, luv. When I thought I was Randy, I . . . I didn’t have all this bad stuff heaped on top of me. I didn’t know I was a Vampire. I was just a normal bloke ready to marry the woman of his dreams and give her everything I could. You don’t ever wish that I could do for you, that I could be . . . “ He pauses, searching for the right word.
“Be human?” she asks. She shakes her head but rolls off of the top of him. “That used to be a thing,” she admits, “yeah. I wanted you to be human. I wanted -- “ She presses her lips together, silencing the name of her former, Vampire lover before she can speak it. There’s a part of her that, for years, wanted Spike to be human, and before, way back when she was with Angel, there had been nothing she’d wanted more than to be able to walk with him and love him openly in the daylight.
But she remembers Riley too. She remembers how unrealistic that hope had been. She’s a Slayer, and if she loves a human man, well, she’d just be bound to get him killed. It’s a wonder Xander’s lasted as long as he has, and he’s only a friend. A human boyfriend wouldn’t stand a chance. “I’ve dreamed of walking with you in the daylight,” she admits quietly, “but I’m the Slayer. Being human would only get you killed if I loved you.”
“So you don’t wish I was different?” he asks.
“Didn’t I just answer that?”
He sighs and bites his cheek to keep from growling at her in frustration. Maybe it’s his fault. Maybe he still hasn’t found the right words, asked the right question. “Randy was going to be able to live a long life with you and give you everything he wanted.”
“Randy didn’t exist, and I don’t have any guarantee of a long life, with or without a human boyfriend.”
“Slayer!” Spike closes his eyes in frustration, and this time, he does growl, soft, low, and thoroughly irritated.
He feels her shrug against him. “Well,” she says, “it’s true! I’m the Slayer, Spike, and maybe Randy would have been great if I was just a normal, human girl, but I’m not!” She shakes her head. “I never will be! I’ll never be able to be guaranteed a long life. I probably won’t get one, and whatever life I do have, however long or short it is, it’s damn sure not going to be normal! Hell, I don’t even want normal!”
His blue eyes pop open, and he turns to look at her. “You don’t?” he asks softly, tilting his blonde head thoughtfully to one side.
“No!” she cries, waving her hands for emphasis. “Okay, so I did for years, but that was back when I was still trying to fight to be normal myself. I am not normal! I will never be normal! I will always be the Slayer! You know all that when you started chasing me!”
He grins. “I started chasing you, because you were the Slayer. I was out to kill you, pet.”
“And you so didn’t succeed!”
“Thank goodness I didn’t,” he says, wrapping his arms around her and bringing her close again. He kisses the top of her head, then whispers a soft, heartfelt admission into her hair, “You’re the best thing that ever happened to me, Buffy. I just want to be able to be the best I can for you.”
She gazes up at him with love in her eyes, a look he fought for years to achieve, a look he swears he’ll never take for granted. She cups his face in her hands and brings him down so that she’s staring directly into his eyes. “You already are the best man I could ever ask for, Spike,” she declares, and her long, deep kiss confirms her words and erases, once again, his doubts. He’ll always strive to be better for her, and he’ll always wonder if he’s good enough.
She’ll always know that he has his flaws. Everybody does, and it’s true that some of his have been fatal. It’s true he’s got a kill list that could fill the country, but he’s not the same man now as he was then. He’s already changed because of her, for her, and she appreciates everything he’s done to try to become worthy of her love. Secretly, when they fight, she wonders if she’s the one who isn’t worthy of him. He’s done so much to make himself worthy of her, and she still has a tendency to throw his Vampire nature up into his face. She has to stop that, she resolves. She has to appreciate this man who she does love for all he is and all he’s done, all he’s changed. He may not have a soul, but he’s changed regardless. Angel changed into a better man because he was forced to by the Gypsies who cursed him with a soul. Spike has chosen to for her, and she’ll always love him for that and a million reasons more, not the least of which is how he makes her feel like she’s the greatest treasure in the world as he loves her right every day and night.