Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Challenge/Prompt: nekid_spike 30in30: Day 19: Roads
Word Count: 792
Date Written: 23 May 2017
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Whedon, not the author, and are used without permission.
Sometimes he wonders. He wonders about all the roads he's traveled to come here to this moment in time with her. He's made so many sacrifices and suffered so much; millions more have suffered because of him. He can never truly begin to atone for all the suffering he's caused, all the lives he's taken. He can't wash all the blood off of his soul even if he spent eternity trying to do good deeds.
He's going to drown in good deeds one day, he thinks with a self-depreciating smirk. He's going to drown in the bloody things and the sacrifices he's willing to make not because he's trying so hard to be a goody two-shoes and atone for everything he's done. He can't atone. Spike knows that. He can't live his every second trying to make up for sins he's caused for which there can be no redemption.
But he's still going to drown in good deeds not because of them but because of her. Because he's bound and determined to do everything he can, make any sacrifice needed, give his all every single damn time and then some to try to be the man who can deserve the beautiful creature laying next to him. But he can't deserve her. Nobody can. Nobody's that good enough.
It doesn't mean he won't stop trying, though, he reflects, caressing her beautiful face as she sleeps. Buffy's the most beautiful woman he's ever known, and it's not just because of her physical looks. Her skin, despite everything she's suffered, almost has a porcelain-like quality to it in certain light. Her yes are such a vivid green that they speak to the wildness in every man's soul, and the tears he's seen in them would bring the Knight out of the hardest-core bastard. Every night he lays down with her is a night he thanks his lucky stars not because he has her, not because he can deserve her, because no one can, but because he's got another night spent being near to her.
As much as he's traveled, as much as he's sacrificed, as much as he's endured, he's still going to spend more, to give more, to sacrifice more to be with her. To be with her, he's willing to do anything, to pay any price, to be anything she wants him to be. He'd give her the world on a silver platter if he could, and yet that's not what she asks of him.
Some nights, she asks him simply to be himself. Other nights, she asks him to have her side, and there's no more honorable position in the whole world than to be at her side, fighting the good fight alongside her. Buffy's so beautiful not because of her body but because of the beautiful warrior who shines within her. This is a girl who's given her life twice now and made so many other sacrifices to save the world, a world of people who will never know her, a world of people who, like himself, can never deserve her.
He's done so much. He's suffered so much. But gazing upon her in these quiet times makes everything crystal clear. "It was all worth it," he whispers, smoothing the golden blonde hair away from her lovely, peaceful face.
She moves in her sleep, stilling his hand on her face. "What was?" she murmurs sleepily without opening her eyes.
He smiles down at her. "Everything," he answers simply and truthfully. He strokes her skin. "Sleep, pet. You've earned it." Her body's riddled with bruises tonight, but by morning's light, they'll all be gone, and he'll still be here beside her, a place of honor no man can ever deserve.
"Hold me," she whispers, still without opening her eyes.
"My pleasure," he almost purrs. "My honor." She won't remember this in the morning. She's talking in her sleep right now. It's with great care he moves beneath her and cuddles her up into his arms, great pleasure he lets her rest her head on his chest, and with great honor he holds her throughout the rest of the night and well into the coming day. He knows when the sun rises -- he can sense it in his Vampire blood --, but it can't reach him here, sheltered away from the rest of the world with his lady, pretending to be a Knight of old in the monster of current day. She brings out the Knight in him. She brings out the best in him, but then again she always has. Spike kisses her hair and holds her still, knowing she always will and that, no matter how good his best might be, he will never deserve one as good as she.