Kat Lee (katleept) wrote,
Kat Lee

Maybe Then

Title: Maybe Then
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Original
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: fan_flashworks 189: Amnesty and 33: The Other Side
Warning(s): Talk of Suicide
Word Count: 790
Date Written: 29 April 2017
Disclaimer: This one's mine.

I hear those old voices
Still whispering to my mind,
But I can't quite make out
Their words any longer.

The pills still call me,
Sitting over there in the bucket,
Just waiting to make things easier.
Suicide's never more
Than a thought or two away.

I stay tired all the time now,
Fatigued beyond words,
But that isn't even
The word for it really.

I find myself thinking
I want to go home,
And I'm already headed home --
Or, sometimes, I'm even already here.

The problem is,
This isn't home,
Not any more, not any longer,
Not without you.

I think of the fights we had,
The physical, the verbal, the spiritual.
I think of all for which I blamed you,
Never able to see how deeply
You were hurting too,
How much you just wanted to be loved
And refused to see what I --
What we all -- tried so hard
To give you.

We tried, but it
Was never enough.
It could never be enough.
Your parents, your family before us,
They never really gave you a chance.
They stole your sunshine
Before we could see it,
Before you could find it.

They've paid for their sins,
A hundred times over, but
It will never be enough.
It can never be enough
Just as we were never,
And could never, be enough.

We tried to show you love,
Tried to give you happiness,
But you couldn't see what was right
In front of you just as
We couldn't see what was right
In front of us, beside us,
Until it was too late
And you were gone.

Now I know too much.
I gave too little, but all the world
Could never be enough just as now,
For us, it can never be enough.

I don't talk about it.
I don't talk about you,
Not as often as I'd like, and yet,
Some days, I can't stop,
Stop thinking, stop talking,
Stop remembering, stop wishing
For what never would have been.

I can't talk about how I feel though;
It brings the pain too close, too fresh.
It's always too real and too painful.
It's always too painful just as
This world was always too painful for you.

I think about it every day.
I think about you every day.
I could step out in front of a semi;
I could take all my pills at once.
I could slam over the Interstate;
I could simply not stop in time.

There are so many ways
I could end this life, end this pain,
End this torture, but
None of those will give me
What I want.

What I want, what I need now
Is always the same:
I want to go home, and yet
I am home, but this
Will never be home again.

Home is where you are,
And you are no longer in this world.
I've got to get where you are,
But there's only one way.

Suicide isn't the answer.
Taking my own life can end
This one but not deliver me
Where you are.

You're free of pain now at last,
Free of sorrow and of heartache.
You're looking down at me,
Probably wishing you could talk to me too,
But there's only one way
We can be together again.

So I can't listen to those voices.
I can't take the easy way out
Not this time, not ever again.
I've got to pay my time;
I've got to pay for my crime
For never seeing you
For what you really were,
A suffering soul,
My Father who loved me
But didn't know how to show me.

I can't stop the pain
Until it stops itself.
I can't stop this life
Until my breathing,
By God's plan, in Nature's time,

I've got to get home --
I've got to get to you,
But there's only way
To do it now or ever again.

I've got to wait.
I've got to pay my time,
Pay for my crime.
I've got to wait until He's ready
To let me go to the other side,
To go to your waiting arms,
To go to you and all the loved ones
We've lost who are all waiting
Around and beside you.

I've got to wait
'Til He's ready to let me go home.
Then and only then, can I be with you.
I've just got to wait,
But it hurts so much.

I love you, Daddy,
But I'll wait 'til I
Can tell you that myself,
And maybe then, when we're
Together on the other side,
Maybe then you'll finally believe it,
You'll finally believe me,
And maybe then, you'll be able to
Show me you love me too.
Maybe then.
I love you!

The End
Tags: original fic, poetry, real life, real life sucks, real life: dad
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