Kat Lee (katleept) wrote,
Kat Lee

I Can't Believe I'm Doing This Again.

I know not every one can afford to help, but I know, too, that if it hadn't been for others when we lost Daddy, we would've been screwed....

Originally posted by stir_of_echoes at I Can't Believe I'm Doing This Again.
I feel like Oliver holding out his bowl and asking “Please sir, can I have some more?”

I feel so ashamed I can’t do this for him without asking for help, once again. I loathe going cap in hand but much like Ian, Taz had no savings or life insurance, which means we’re back to the same situation we were a couple of weeks ago. Much like Ian, he was in the process of turning his life around, and becoming a better person, and he was succeeding to.

I feel it’s only fair I be honest. He was no choir boy, far from it. We fell out when he went back to the drugs, getting himself involved with a rough, and violent crowd, which saw him pick up a prison sentence, and not his first. He began dealing to earn his next fix, just one of the many minions the big boys used to peddle their crap. He was weak, and easily used, so desperate for the drugs he’d do anything.

I’ve lost count of the amount of beatings he took, at the amount of punishment he dealt out all so he could feed his habit. He lost everything. His family, his friends and his freedom.

It was a heavy price to pay for his actions, but he paid them, and I’d like to believe whatever sins he committed were wiped clean when he died.

I’m ashamed to say I ignored all his letters begging for forgiveness, disbelieving that he was clean, and no longer on drugs. But he the truth was he’d shed the past and was working hard to be someone else, someone deserving of love.

He was drug free and helping others become the same.

He was telling the truth and I didn’t believe him until recently when I saw how well and healthy he looked. I’m a firm believer that no one runs out of chances to make amends. To give someone the chance to mend fences and become a better person.

It hurts so much that just as he was winning the fight, he was taken away.

The last thing he said to me was, “I love you.” He gave me a huge hug, something I will cherish to my dying day.

We’re unsure as to the cause of death. He had a Pulmonary Embolism a month ago, but we won’t know until the autopsy whether that played a part in his death.

I just wish I’d believed him sooner :’( and I pray that Ian’s death didn’t push him over the edge.

I know a lot of people will believe he got what he deserved, and if you do, then I get it. Some of our family feel that way, and refused their forgiveness, and I don’t blame them. To some he’s just a thug who got his just deserts. But if you believe that people deserve a second chance and can find it in your heart to give a small donation toward his funeral. I’m not sure I can fic at the moment, but if you’d like a gif set, or your favourite movie uploading, if not available, then I will keep an eye out for it or if there’s something else I can offer?

My paypal is jules_smith6@hotmail.co.uk

If you’d like to maybe add a link to my post then I would be forever grateful.

If there’s anything else I can do in return, please let me know
Tags: real life, real life sucks, sharing: helping others
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