Author: Kat Lee
Character/Pairing: Kitty/Illyana, Kitty/Rachel
Challenge/Prompt: halfamoon Day 4: Friends
Word Count: 920
Date Written: 6 February 2017
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Marvel Comics and Disney, not the author, and are used without permission.
Kitty's fingers trace her bare stomach. She can almost feel the sword thrusting inside of her, although it left no physical scars behind and she never felt the blade while it was actually in her until it was too late. She remembers being mad at Illyana for passing it to her, but she now understands that her friend hadn't done so consciously. The blade had been a part of Illyana's very soul, and it had only passed to her because she loved Kitty so much.
Kitty stares out into the Scotland night, remembering. She had loved Illyana too and Rachel since, both with all her heart. And she had lost them both. She almost wishes she had kept the sword, but doing so would have destroyed the very thing about her which enables her to love and makes her miss those she has lost. While the sword had been inside of her, she hadn't cared about any one, not Moira or her fellow team mates or Rachel or Illyana or even herself. If it had stayed, she wouldn't be the girl she is now, the girl they both loved.
She wonders why the sword waited so long to make its presence known. She wonders why Rachel, with all her power, hadn't sensed the blade, but perhaps her last girlfriend was the very reason why the blade had remained hidden. It had been scared of being discovered too soon, scared that its new mistress would find a way to beat it, and Kitty had, not by fighting against the sword itself but by fighting against everything which it represented.
Kitty sighs and glances over at the pictures on her dresser. The rest of her team mates are asleep. She should be too, but she can't sleep tonight. She stares at the smiling faces in her pictures: at Illyana, Piotr, Rachel, Kurt, even she herself. Some of the photographs weren't taken that long ago, but they still seem as if they were. Those times seem almost like another lifetime to her now, and she wonders if she'll ever be happy again.
She feels Illyana's loss even more avidly now than she did before. She wonders if perhaps her subconscious had sensed the sword and felt that Illyana was still somehow close to her. Maybe that's why, although her death had hurt, the sting of missing her wasn't so bad as it is now. A part of her cherished friend had still been with her.
And now she's lost her again. All she has to remember Illyana by is her memories and the smiling face in her photographs. Her eyes dart to her bed as she thinks she sees something move, but there's nobody there. She's the only one up, she reminds herself again. Lockheed's still under her bed, but he's probably passed out too.
Yet, just underneath the hem of her bed's skirt, Kitty sees something she hasn't noticed for quite some time. There are tiny feet sticking out from underneath her bed. She rises, walks toward them, and pulls the Bamf doll out from underneath her bed. As the doll stares blankly up at her, Kitty remembers holding Illyana as she held the doll. It still seems so strange to have loved her as a girl Kitty's own age and then later held her as a kid again.
Her life stopped being normal a long time ago. Usually Kitty doesn't miss the normalcy of an average teenage life, but tonight, she lets herself miss it. Teenagers don't usually have to grieve as much as she seems to, especially late. Normal, boring people leading normal, boring lives don't seem to suffer as much trauma or heartache, and they certainly don't get to love the same person, men or women, as both their lovers and little kids.
But then, if Illyana hadn't come back to her either of those times, neither as a teenager or once more as a child, she would have only mourned her sooner. If she had never become a teenager, Kitty would never have gotten to know and love her older self. She would have always only been Piotr's kid sister to her, but she had become so much more. She loved Illyana even more than she did her big brother, and she misses her now more terribly than she ever did Piotr.
Kitty realizes she's clutching the doll to her chest, right above her heart. She blinks back tears and looks up again at Illyana's smiling face. She will always love her, she knows, and she will always miss her, although the ache will grow dull again one day with time. But Illyana will also always be a part of her, just as Rachel will too, sword or no sword. They both powerfully impacted Kitty's life. They both helped to shape the woman she is becoming, the woman who sees pass gender and age to the true heart of the person she loves.
They'll both always be with her, she thinks, touching her chest and feeling her own heartbeat answer her fingertips. They'll both always be with her, sword or no sword, even if Rachel's never actually born into this timeline and Illyana never returns. They'll always be with her. She'll always miss them, but she'll always love them, too, and never regret for a moment the short lifetimes during which she knew and loved them both. Kitty lowers her head and lets herself cry as she holds to both the true great loves of her young life.