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'Til I Fall Last

Title: 'Til I Fall Last
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character/Pairing: Angel/Faith, mentioned Angel/Buffy
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: bad_swa August 2016 Guest: Faith and Themes/Kinks: Feathers, Bed of Satin, and New Perspectives
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 1,588
Date Written: 15 August 2016
Summary:
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Whedon, not the author, and are used without permission.




Had a guy tell me once that he wanted to put me in a satin bed and cover me with silk sheets, feathers, flowers, and money. I told him to give me the money and leave the rest. Can you imagine me in the lap of luxury? We've never been the kind to need a lot, but we don't even usually get what we do need. We've just learned to make do with what we have.

Funny thing is, though, lately, I haven't been feeling like I need a lot, and it's not because of all that time I spent in jail. I'm definitely different from how I was before, but I'm still me. I still don't know how to get what I want, but when I'm with you, I don't really feel like I need anything at all.

I remember the way B used to babble about you and the way Drusilla crooned. You mess up the women good, don't you, Angel? The one with the Angelic face. No wonder they called you that. You've got a face straight out of a chick's dream, long as you don't Vamp out and become a thing of her nightmares instead.

But you're a smooth talker. You seem to have all the right words for getting what you want. You got me to turn over a new leaf, but then, you saw something in me that I didn't even know was in me back then. I thought I was a killer and that's all I'd ever be, but you made me dare to think I could be more.

And now I am. We fight side by side every night. We've saved the world too many damn times to count, and yet, we're still both hunting for something. You're still looking for a way to be with B, I know. I see it in your eyes every time she's around. You want her back so bad you can taste it.

And me? Hell, Angel, all I seem to want lately is you. When we're side by side, fighting the good fight, there's nothing else in this world I want. There's nothing else that enters my mind. There are no thoughts, no words. Just my body sliding against yours, our muscles moving in tune with each other as we kick ass and only bother with the names if she tells you to.

But she's the problem. Still, after all this time, she's got what I want. I'm fine 'til she comes around, and when all you can do is gawk at her, all I can do is think about how badly I want you to look at me like that. If you'd just look at me once the way you always look at her, my life would be made. I could die a happy woman.

Damn, I'm lame, always wanting what B has. I promised myself I wouldn't do this again, but I have. You're the only one who understands me, Angel, and I understand better than you think and way better than any chick you've had before. Cordy never could get you, but she got your darkness better than B. Only I really understand. I'm the only one you've ever been with who's been down the same dark road as you.

You were my light at the end of the tunnel, but B was yours. I can't really compete. I can't be all light and fluffy, savior of all things, like she is, but I can be what you need. I can steady you. I can be your rock. I can keep you from ever giving in to Angelus again, but I guess that means I can't really make you happy, huh? 'Cause one moment of happiness, and he's still coming out.

Life is a kick in the pants. I'm teetering on the same road again, and you don't see it. After all I've been through, after all I've survived, and all the ways I've changed, I still want what she has. I don't need a bed of roses or of satin. All I need is you, and you're exactly what I can't have.

You think we're just friends. I've got to let things stay that way, or I'll lose you as a friend. I don't think I could fight the darkness for much longer then. You're my rock, rather you realize it or not. You're what keeps me on this righteous road where sometimes I still think I don't belong. You're what keeps me doing good.

I can hear you arguing now. "No, I'm not," you'd say. "You're not doing any of this for me, Faith. You're doing it for yourself." But that's where you're wrong. I started on this road for me, yeah, but I've stayed on it for you. You need some one, some one to have your back always no matter the consequences, and I'm that one.

I need some one too, Angel, but you just don't see it. I can't make you see it, not when all you want to see is her. But haven't you noticed the way I have your back? Haven't you noticed how I'm willing to risk everything to help you, even when I think you're wrong? Haven't you noticed how you make me believe in the impossible, like I could ever be the good girl, the good Slayer?

I'm a bitch. Everybody knows it. I'm proud of it. I can take on just about anybody and keep fighting, keep surviving, if not living. My words can tear apart anybody, but it's you who tear me apart. Every time you look at her like the wounded puppy aching for a pat from his mistress, I feel another little piece of me snap. I don't know how many are left, and I don't know if you're going to be able to put me back together this time. All the King's horses and all the King's men, all that jazz couldn't put the broken egg back together again.

I've never exactly had a tight grip on sanity, Angel. You know that more than most. Hell, you know it better than anybody but me. And I'm losing it. God help me, I'm losing it, and I'm losing it over you. Won't you wake the fuck up and see what you have right here beside you before it's too damn late and I'm gone?

I don't know how I'm gonna go. I don't know if I'm gonna fall one of these nights saving your ass or fighting beside you, or if I'm gonna end up going over the deep end and taking myself out. But I know I ain't got very much more to hang on to, Angel. You're all I've got left in this crazy ass world, and if you go to her . . .

If you go to her, where does that leave me? Alone again. I don't think I can bear it again. I think I'd go out of my fucking mind if I lost you, but I can't tell you any of this, either. If I do, I will lose you. You're walk away from me and never once look back, not like you're always looking back and making googly eyes at her.

You'll never look back for me. You'll never come back for me. And I'll be alone again. I'd rather die. So I keep my mouth shut and drink my whisky in silence while you drink your blood. We don't talk. We don't need words, and we don't need satin beds. What we need is each other, but you're too dumb to see it.

And when she comes around again, I know you'll be back to making eyes at her once more. You'll be back to wanting to be her dog again. You'd lick her fucking heels, wouldn't you? Bastard. But you're my bastard. The world doesn't know it. She doesn't. You don't. You never will. But you are.

You're what keeps me chained to this world. You're also what's killing me. Every time I see you with her, another piece of me twists and dies because of what I can't have. I always swore I'd never be so stupid over a man, but you've got that way with me. You've got that way with all women, I think.

The one with the Angel's face who screws the world. Yeah. That certainly sounds like you, and you've screwed me. You've helped me become all that I am, but now you're slowly destroying it all, too. You're killing me slowly, but better a slow death, I guess, than a quick one at the stake of the Slayer who has everything I'll ever want, the Slayer who has you.

You're looking at me again with that long, cool look that makes me think, for just a moment, that you can hear my babbling, but then you look away and I know. I know you're thinking about her again. You're always thinking about her, and I'm always thinking about you. Life's a bitch, ain't it? I wanna say it aloud as I come closer to you, but I don't dare tonight 'cause I know my voice would shake.

Instead, I just drink beside you. We're side by side again. We've got each other again tonight, and that's all we'll ever really need, even if you don't know it. But I do. I've known it for a long time now. I've got your back, Angel, always 'til I fall last. And I will.

The End

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