Kat Lee (katleept) wrote,
Kat Lee

Make Another Memory

Title: Make Another Memory
Author: Kat Lee
Fandom: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Character/Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: PG-13/T
Challenge/Prompt: nekid_spike Prompt Card: Love Bites
Warning(s): None
Word Count: 1,583
Date Written: 4 July, 2016
Disclaimer: All characters within belong to Whedon, not the author, and are used without permission.

He could ask her not to wear tops like the one she's wearing now, but damn, if he wants to miss the show! The blouse is made of some type of a cheap knock off of silk. He doesn't know exactly what it's called nor does he care. He does remember her squealing about the buy, however, after they'd dusted some Vamps at a local mall and she threw one into the display case where a mannequin was modeling this very shirt.

The clothes don't really matter, he tells himself. He knows he'd be watching regardless. There are whole nights where he can't seem to keep his eyes from feasting on her luscious neck no matter how hard he tries. It's not the actual hunger of his beast. The bags of blood they "borrow" from the hospital keep him fed well enough that he can usually ignore necks these nights -- except for hers.

It's a pretty neck. It's lean and slender with no fat. He can hear her blood pumping in it when she's getting ready for a fight. He can also hear it pumping when she knows he's watching her, as she does now. He quickly rips his eyes away, but he's not fast enough for the Slayer.

She turns and sashays to him. "Like what you see?" she asks with a big, bright smile.

He does only too well, but he knows he'll never act again on the thoughts that were just racing through his mind. She'd turn on him, if not dust him, if he ever tried to turn her, but it's a tempting thought for so many reasons. Love bites. He's been love's bitch most of his life, first for Cecily, then Drusilla, and now and forever after for Buffy. He'll always be love's bitch, but she'll be the last to hold the power over him. He'll still be loving her long after she's dead and gone.

Which is exactly why the thought of turning her is so tempting. It isn't a hunger thing, at least not for blood. He aches to keep her with him, in his arms and loving him as she is now. He tries to block out the thoughts as he lowers his mouth to hers and dips his tongue slowly, sensually into her warmth, but he can't seem to manage it tonight.

He doesn't want to be alone again, but he knows it's coming. Buffy's the best Slayer there's ever been. She's broken all the rules and saved the world more times than all the other girls combined. She's literally carved out a new future for Slayers while dismantling the Watcher's Council to keep the old stodges from ever hurting another girl again. She's a living legend, and she's all his.

But it won't last. It can't last. For all of Buffy's greatness, she is still only mortal. She'll still die one of these nights. He'd like to be able to think her death will come from old age many, many years from now, but people like them never die from old age. One of these nights, she's going to be too slow, and so is he. He's going to lose her.

And not just her but every one else in her ragtag pack of friends she calls a family and for whom, despite his best intentions, he's come to care, too. He doesn't know who will go first. He'd like to think it doesn't matter, but that, too, would be a bold faced lie. It does matter. He knows he has to lose them all, but he wants Buffy to be last -- and Nibblet to be next to last. Although he would never wish suffering through her sister's death on his lover, he's always been the selfish sort and wants to keep Buffy as absolutely long as he can.

But it's going to happen. She's going to fall, and his heart's going to be broken again. Shattered actually. He can't imagine ever being able to pick up the pieces this time. He won't even want to. After Buffy, he'll be tempted to walk into the sunlight just as he and Angel have discussed so very many times. He wouldn't let him kill himself when he found him grieving the cheerleader in L.A. They'll both want to do it after Buffy, but they won't let each other. He knows they won't because it's not what she would want.

Just like she'll never want to be what he is. She's too good for that, too good for him really although he knows she loves him. As much as he longs to be able to spend eternity with her, he knows he can't condemn her to a life she'll never want. Besides, with both their runs of luck, things are bound to go wrong. Even if he had Willow sitting and ready with a spell to put her soul immediately back into her body, somehow, things would fuck up and he'd lose her right then and there.

Buffy arches in his arms, raising up a little as she lifts her mouth from his in a pleasured gasp. She moves her head again, angling her neck in a clear and silent invitation that Spike doesn't hesitate to take. He knows she likes this. She likes to be nibbled, but she'll never want to be turned. Biting her -- truly biting her -- will never be an option.

He's a condemned man. He can't stand living without her now, and he won't be able to stand it then. He tried to fight his love for her with everything he possessed, but it wasn't enough. Buffy did more than just get underneath his skin. She got into his soul when he didn't even have one. She's in him now, deeper and further reaching than any other woman he's ever loved -- or thought he loved.

What he felt for Cecily wasn't love. He knows that now for he's felt real love. He had it for Dru, but she didn't love him back. He would have gone to the moon and back for her -- he did save the world for her even without a soul --, but he was never dangerous enough for her after Europe. He was never deadly enough. He should have seen her betrayal coming, but he never did. Still, he knows now that what he felt for her, powerful though it was, wasn't the major, full blown Love of soul mates.

He's only ever had that with Buffy. He remembers when they worked together to save the world that time. Even then, she could see through all his badassery. She saw good in him that he didn't see and didn't want to see, but once she saw it, it wouldn't shut up. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame, and he's never been able to let go since.

He never will be, he knows. He'll love her still after she's long dead and gone. It doesn't matter how long he survives -- not live, because he'll never be able to actually live without her again. No matter how many centuries he's forced to survive after he loses her, he will always love her, but he can't condemn her to share eternity with him.

Buffy moves again, this time snaking her neck away from him so that she can look up into his dark and troubled eyes. "What's wrong?" she asks. He shakes his head. She pouts with that determined look he knows means he's not getting anywhere without telling her the truth. "Something's wrong."

"I was just thinking," he murmurs, choosing his words carefully as he threads his fingers through her long, blonde hair, "I wish this could last forever."

Her eyes search his. There is so much knowledge in her gaze. She understands the true reason he's troubled, but she can't give him permission. She's the bloody Slayer, top heroine of all the Slayers; she can't let him make her into a monster, no matter how much she'd like to spend forever with him. Standing on her tip toes and still look directly into his eyes, she vows, "I will love you forever."

He knows it's true. He knew it before she said the words, and he'll know it forever. There's no longer doubt in his mind or hers about how they feel for each other. They will love one another forever, but they won't be able to stay with each other forever.

Buffy pauses. She wants to tell him that she'll be waiting for him in the afterlife, but she knows her beliefs aren't the same as his. "There is a Heaven," she finally says. "I was there," she reminds him gently. Her hands cup his handsome, worried face; her fingertips massage his cold flesh. "And I know I'll probably get there before you do, but I'll be waiting for you when you get there."

He doesn't comment that it will probably take centuries nor does he admit that he doubts he'll ever actually get there. He's done too much, killed too many. He's done as much wrong as she has right. Heaven will never want him. When she leaves him, that will be it. All he'll have left is his memories and undying love for her. But he doesn't say any of that. He just lets her kiss him again and again, pushing the thoughts away for another night and making another memory to last forever.

The End
Tags: btvs: spike/buffy
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